Books & Book Reviews

The Mother Tree Book Tour (Guest Post)

Today’s guest post comes from Heather W. Cobham, author of The Mother Tree.

Part of the healing journey for Maya and Sloan, the two protagonists in The Mother Tree, is to develop self-compassion. I was inspired to include this theme in both The Mother Tree and my debut novel, Hungry Mother Creek because it’s something I frequently address both in my counseling practice and my own personal growth.

     Often my clients are experiencing distress, but then are critical of these feelings. One client felt she shouldn’t be angry about having an autoimmune disease because she had many other things to be grateful for. Another, with both lung and heart disease, felt weak, because she had anxiety about continuing her work as a clerk at Target after the pandemic began and another, grieving the death of her mother in February, felt she wasn’t progressing through her grief fast enough.

     I validate their core feelings and point out that their self-criticism was adding to their emotional load, and distracting them from dealing with their anger, anxiety, and grief. I remind them that their goal is to pay attention to their emotions, and cope with them in a healthy way, and not waste time judging how they feel.

     Recently, I noticed more negative feelings in myself, like irritability and sadness. I couldn’t ignore them any longer when, at the start of a weekend, I burst into tears over something very minor. My heart was breaking, but I knew intellectually what triggered my tears was not something worthy of this response. After a few minutes of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I paid attention to my thoughts. “I need to get over this,” “I have so much to be grateful for. I shouldn’t be sad,” and “I need to pull it together. I’m a mental health professional.”

     I was doing the same thing my clients were. I was sad, and my immediate response was to beat myself up about how I was feeling. Once I identified my self-criticism, I grabbed my journal to figure out the core issues beneath my sadness. Through my writing, I identified that I was overwhelmed with my clients’ suffering, and questioning my ability to make a meaningful difference in their lives. These are hallmark symptoms of burnout.

     Now I had something to work with, and before I began criticizing my burnout, I immediately focused on self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a researcher on self-compassion, says, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.”

     Self compassion doesn’t come naturally to most of us, and to help myself along, I talked to myself in the manner I knew my kindest friend would. I’d been working hard the last 2 months providing support and comfort to others, while also experiencing the pandemic at a personal level. I missed family and friends, worried about their health and my own, and had anxiety about the future. I took a breath and told myself it was OK to feel burned out. Being emotionally drained in these circumstances was a symptom of being human, not a symptom of weakness or ingratitude.

     This was an interesting internal experience. Within seconds of implementing self compassion I felt better. In the negative feedback loop of self criticism, it seemed clear that what I needed to fix was myself. That I, was the problem. With self compassion, I saw that burnout was the problem, and I have have skills to deal with that.

    To address my emotional fatigue, I needed time away from my counseling practice and lots of self care. In the short term, I continued to journal that morning, had a healthy lunch outside with my husband and dear friend, and got a good night’s sleep. For the longer term, I adjusted my schedule to have a long weekend filled with activities that recharge me like writing, reading, time in nature, exercise, laughing with my husband, and sleep.

     I’ve talked clients through this process many times, but am embarrassed to admit I’ve never used it as effectively as I did in this instance, and it significantly decreased my distress. If self compassion helped me, maybe it helps my clients too, and I really am making a difference!

     I encourage you to try this process for yourself. Here is a summary:

  1. Identify that you’re experiencing a negative emotion. For me the symptoms were crying and sadness, but it can also be anger, irritability or feeling numb.
  2. Note self critical thoughts saying you shouldn’t feel this way. Recognize that these thoughts exacerbate your feelings, but are not the root cause.
  3. Explore the deeper factors that contribute to your emotion by reflecting, journaling, or talking with a friend or counselor.
  4. Implement self compassion. Validate your feelings and talk to yourself as your kindest friend would.
  5. Choose a healthy coping skills to address the root causes of your distress and mitigate the intensity of your symptoms.
  6. Repeat step 4 as often as necessary.

     Self-compassion is a key component of good mental health. It changes your focus from what is wrong with you, to what you can do about the root causes of your negative emotions.

Sequel to Hungry Mother Creek

Women’s Fiction

 Date Published: May 26, 2018


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The water that surrounds Oriental, N.C. a5racts people who need to heal. In Heather Cobham’s debut novel, Hungry Mother Creek, Maya Sommers landed in Oriental reeling from the trauma of Hurricane Katrina and the death of her husband. Now, Sloan Bostwick, a successful realtor from Raleigh, returns there in hopes of regaining the peace she experienced during the summers with her grandparents. Sloan purchases the oldest home in the county with plans to create a retreat center. Unbeknownst to Sloan, part of her property contains the Mother Tree, a live oak, where for over a hundred years, women have gathered. It was here, with the help of her women’s circle, that Maya recovered from her husband’s death.

Maya and Sloan’s lives intersect over the fate of the Mother Tree when the women’s circle rallies the community to protect the sacred tree. Travis, the handsome kayak guide Maya had a brief affair with, joins their efforts and Maya’s feelings for him are reignited. Will Travis fill the sense of yearning she’s had the past few months? What’s standing between her and true happiness? Meanwhile Sloan must admit that wounds from her childhood are still festering, waking her every night and distracting her from the retreat center.

Though Maya and Sloan clash over the fate of the Mother Tree, they have more in common than they realize. Join them on the banks of the Neuse River as the wisdom of women, past and present, helps Maya and Sloan transform their suffering into resilience.

 

 

About the Author

Heather W. Cobham is the author of the duology, Hungry Mother Creek and The Mother Tree. She is a licensed clinical social worker and has her own counseling practice in New Bern North Carolina. The strength and resilience of her clients, provides inspiration for the protagonists in her books. Heather lives by the water in Oriental, N.C. and maintains her own health and balance by spending time with her husband, running, paddle boarding, yoga and reading.


Contact Links

Website

Blog

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Instagram:@heatherwcobham


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Ronda Bowen

Ronda Bowen is a writer, editor, and independent scholar. She has a Master of Arts in Philosophy from Northern Illinois University and a B.A. in Philosophy, Pre-Graduate Option, Honors in the Major from California State University, Chico. When she is not working on client projects from her editorial consulting business, she is writing a novel. In her free time, she enjoys gourmet cooking, wine, martinis, copious amounts of coffee, reading, watching movies, sewing, crocheting, crafts, hanging out with her husband, and spending time with their teenage son and infant daughter.

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