Dream a Big Dream…

I just spent the last little while crying.

Perhaps that’s too personal to admit; perhaps it’s pregnancy hormones; perhaps it’s just extreme frustration at the gap between where things are and where I really really want things to be. I’m inclined to think that my statement is a combination of all three. 

You see, I’ve always been a dreamer. I’m not one to dream small dreams. I’m not even one to dream medium-sized happy to be there dreams.

I have big dreams. I’ve always had big dreams. But sometimes, the gap between reality and those dreams seems completely insurmountable. And in those times, I feel angry. Angry with the way things are, angry with the process of getting where I want to be, angry with my impatient nature. 

You see…when I was a kid, “someone” told me that you can do whatever you put your mind to, what you dream you can do, and if you work really hard, you can make things happen.

Sometimes…it feels like, to quote a pompous toupee-wearing candidate, the American dream is dead. Before you click off of here, I’d really like you to hang out with me a minute, and continue reading. I promise, you’ll want to follow my thoughts to the end. Sometimes it feels like all those things I dreamed of as a kid…and as a teenager…and as a 20-something…and even now…are just as attainable as catching a unicorn and making it my pet. 

Not that I want a unicorn as a pet. You see, my dreams are simpler. Have a great marriage (which, I’m lucky enough to say, I have), have a big family, have a nice house…one where I can host great holiday celebrations for years to come. One where my husband and I can raise our kids, and then enjoy our grandkids as our kids come home for the holidays…you know…

And sometimes, for a minute you walk into that house. And you KNOW. You know like you knew that that guy sitting across from you in the Hawaiian shirt talking about quad-core processors was the person you were supposed to meet…not all those dorks…and you know it so strongly that maybe, possibly, you have an emotional reaction while in that house. Perhaps you even shed a tear or two and have to breathe deeply, because *this* is your house.

Of course, it’s not your house…not yet…there are hoops to jump through, and nothing, nothing at all is more humbling than filling out financial information on a form. And that no matter what happens between now and that day you hope to move into that house, right this moment, you feel further from that dream, that house than you ever have felt. Not because you’re in a terrible state…(Wining Hubby and I are actually okay. Not great, not terrible, but okay lol…like everyone else grasping at what there is of the middle class rungs of the ladder) but because numbers are hard to look at, and putting a decision into someone else’s hands is scary. Once things go from dreams to baby steps, it feels like you’re hanging out on a very frail branch, hanging on for dear life. Making those baby steps is scary! 

Yet – if you never make baby steps. If you never jump up there and grab that first branch, then place your feet against the bark of the tree trunk, you’ll never even know if those dreams can happen. Taking action makes you vulnerable, and feeling vulnerable can be scary. Sometimes, you think of all those times in the past when you took a step forward and something came out of nowhere and slapped you backward. And you take a deep breath. And then, those old familiar voices come flooding back, “Why do you think good things should happen to you?” “Something always happens to get in the way of success.” “You’re just white trash.” I’m telling you, words cut deeper than broken glass can. They stick with you, and they come back at the worst times – when you’re vulnerable.

It’s at this point when there’s a choice to be made. Acknowledge those vulnerable feelings, let that emotion out, and move on, feeling positive and fortified against what’s next or succumb to them, give up, and throw in the towel. 

I’m not a throw-in-the-towel kind of girl. 

I’m a “Dear word, there are a lot of balls up in the air, and it’s really difficult to feel like everything’s going to work out, but God hasn’t really failed me in the past.” kind of girl. Sure, things haven’t worked out how I thought they would in the past – but given time, I can look back and say “Here’s the lesson I was meant to learn.” or “Here’s the bigger thing that was on the horizon for me.” 

So, I continue to dream big – despite the heartache that sometimes causes. I still want a nice house, and I have to believe that it will manifest, somehow, some way. I still want a big family even if I am nearly 38.  I *am* due with baby number three in just 8 weeks, and I trust if that dream is meant to happen, it will happen, one way or another.  I have a lot of love to give to children. I want to run successful businesses; I want to help others in need; I want to be a light in this world. 

I encourage you to dream big. Even when it feels like the American dream is dead, even when it feels like the gap between now and the future is larger than the gap forming the Grand Canyon, even when it feels like you want to throw in the towel. I encourage you to dream big and take small steps toward that dream – and move past that vulnerable state I just let myself experience. Be open to receiving the good. The good is out there. 

What would you dream if you weren’t afraid to let yourself dream?